It's raining right now, as it has been for the past three days. Rain is a sign of God's grace, a free gift of love that He gives to us as a sign of His ongoing love for us. It washes the earth, cleaning what was dirty and making it new. It softens the earth, preparing it to receive the seeds of love. It waters those seeds, allowing them to grow and then to bear fruit. Sometimes this rain falls gently, so that one hardly even notices it. Other times it falls so heavy that one cannot doubt its presence and is soon soaked and if caught unaware, even swept away by it.
Those who do not know that this is God's special love may choose to cover themselves up and hide away from the rain. Those who do know set barrels or bowls out to catch it. They run and play in it, splashing in the puddles that collect in the holes which were once a danger but are now filled and healed with God's love - turned into something useful. Others simply watch, marveling at its beauty and power.
Those who are not thankful for the rain today will later miss it when the earth grows parched for lack of it, and the summer's heat bakes them because it is untempered by the mercy of the cooling rain. Water is one of life's great miracles, but it is also one which we most often take for granted, failing to see it as the marvel it truly is.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
God Doesn't Make Junk
Journal entry from January 21, 2009
Last night, for the first time in two months, Randy and I dialogued. It felt so good. The question was how the statement, "God doesn't make junk" made us feel. For the first time in our relationship, my husband wrote that he now believes this is true. He has felt worthless for so many years, and I watned so badly for him to see himself as worthwhile. I knew if he could just believe in God's love for him, it would happen. I praise God I have been here to witness this. What greater gift can I have than a husband who sees himself as worthwhile, for out of that fountain of grace he will fidn the courage to become all that God intends him to be.
This is the 20th day of having prayed a daily rosary. I have not yet prayed it for today, but I will. It fills me with joy to know that I have been able to live up to this devotion and pledge. How sweet the rewards that have come of faithfulness.
Interesting note: a friend of mine was at morning mass today and I shared with her my husband's conversion. She joked "watch him become a deacon" and then told me the story of Augustine who was confirmed, ordained, and became a bishop all on the same day! I am seeing strong signs pointing towards this path for my husband. God seems to be moving him along very rapidly.
Last night, for the first time in two months, Randy and I dialogued. It felt so good. The question was how the statement, "God doesn't make junk" made us feel. For the first time in our relationship, my husband wrote that he now believes this is true. He has felt worthless for so many years, and I watned so badly for him to see himself as worthwhile. I knew if he could just believe in God's love for him, it would happen. I praise God I have been here to witness this. What greater gift can I have than a husband who sees himself as worthwhile, for out of that fountain of grace he will fidn the courage to become all that God intends him to be.
This is the 20th day of having prayed a daily rosary. I have not yet prayed it for today, but I will. It fills me with joy to know that I have been able to live up to this devotion and pledge. How sweet the rewards that have come of faithfulness.
Interesting note: a friend of mine was at morning mass today and I shared with her my husband's conversion. She joked "watch him become a deacon" and then told me the story of Augustine who was confirmed, ordained, and became a bishop all on the same day! I am seeing strong signs pointing towards this path for my husband. God seems to be moving him along very rapidly.
Pride
Journal Entry: February 7, 2009
Pride. My adversary, my achilles heel. It is what causes me to stumble so often in my efforts to serve, for I long for recognitino and worldly approval. What good is it to do my good works for the Lord and then trumpet them around as if I were so marvelous?
Blessed be Father Patrick. His advise to me in confession was so wonderful. He told me that when I am being praised for doing a good deed, let it be an encouragement for me to do even better the next time. He said such praise confirms that the Lord is using you to touch the life of another, and it is a sign that your steps are on the right path. It does not, however, mean that you should stay where you are but rather use it as a means to grow even closer in your walk with the Lord.
How blessed I am to be a member of St. Ann's, where I have regular access to such a holy priest. What a tender spiritual director he has been over this past year, shepherding me from my sins into a place where I am stronger in my faith than I have ever been.
In my pride, I sometimes find myself observing where others are in their walk and judging them for it. Yet I remember today that if they had received half of the graces, prayers, and guidance that I had received they might well be much further along in their journey than I am - look at my husband, for example! He has received a small fraction of what I was given and alraedy bears fruits of great holiness.
Last night, instead of going to the Apostolate as I should have, I took Eddie to see the Tale of Despereaux. On the way home, I bought a pregnancy test 2-pack and Eddie wanted to purchase a nerf gun with his gift card. His gift card, though, ended up having only $0.61 on it. I paid for the gun since his father and I had borrowed money from him anyway. The total came out to nearly $60. I know we did not have that money to spend, but because I did owe it to Eddie, is it not equally important to pay that debt to him?
At any rate, the pregnancy test came out negative. I am almost a week late, but I will wait until the 10th to take it again and then I will try to see a doctor. If I am not pregnant, something may be wrong.
Last night, before bed we said our family prayers. This morning before Randy left to go to his first retreat, we went to Mass together as a family. How beautiful it is to walk together as a family with the Lord.
Pride. My adversary, my achilles heel. It is what causes me to stumble so often in my efforts to serve, for I long for recognitino and worldly approval. What good is it to do my good works for the Lord and then trumpet them around as if I were so marvelous?
Blessed be Father Patrick. His advise to me in confession was so wonderful. He told me that when I am being praised for doing a good deed, let it be an encouragement for me to do even better the next time. He said such praise confirms that the Lord is using you to touch the life of another, and it is a sign that your steps are on the right path. It does not, however, mean that you should stay where you are but rather use it as a means to grow even closer in your walk with the Lord.
How blessed I am to be a member of St. Ann's, where I have regular access to such a holy priest. What a tender spiritual director he has been over this past year, shepherding me from my sins into a place where I am stronger in my faith than I have ever been.
In my pride, I sometimes find myself observing where others are in their walk and judging them for it. Yet I remember today that if they had received half of the graces, prayers, and guidance that I had received they might well be much further along in their journey than I am - look at my husband, for example! He has received a small fraction of what I was given and alraedy bears fruits of great holiness.
Last night, instead of going to the Apostolate as I should have, I took Eddie to see the Tale of Despereaux. On the way home, I bought a pregnancy test 2-pack and Eddie wanted to purchase a nerf gun with his gift card. His gift card, though, ended up having only $0.61 on it. I paid for the gun since his father and I had borrowed money from him anyway. The total came out to nearly $60. I know we did not have that money to spend, but because I did owe it to Eddie, is it not equally important to pay that debt to him?
At any rate, the pregnancy test came out negative. I am almost a week late, but I will wait until the 10th to take it again and then I will try to see a doctor. If I am not pregnant, something may be wrong.
Last night, before bed we said our family prayers. This morning before Randy left to go to his first retreat, we went to Mass together as a family. How beautiful it is to walk together as a family with the Lord.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Sunday's Grace
This morning marks 1 full month and 8 days straight of praying the Rosary. I woke up this morning and was tempted to read, but instead made a concious decision to prioritize my life around God.
I spent time in prayer, then woke Eddie and we walked to Mass at nooon. I used that time to pray for Eddie, for Randy, and for me. Last night, I had prepared today's meal, and put that meal on keep warm before I left home. We were able to get a ride home from my CRHP sister Ruth, which was such a blessing, and it was so nice to be able to eat without working.
I did spend $10 on a raffle ticket for $10,000. However, the proceeds benefit the Highlands School so that even if I do not win I know that good works will be done for the Lord with that money. 25% of the winnings must be paid in taxes up front, so really it would only be a prize of $7500 but it would go a very long way in helping us to get out of debt and into financial freedom.
I started today. With it came a bitter sort of grief that truly made me feel unity with poor Job. Yet, in the midst of this bitterness I stopped and offered my anguish, grief, and sorrow to Jesus that my pain might, in some small way, be used as reparations for my sins and those of the whole world. This grief and sorrow is a heavy cross, but no heavier than the cross of our Lord.
I spent time in prayer, then woke Eddie and we walked to Mass at nooon. I used that time to pray for Eddie, for Randy, and for me. Last night, I had prepared today's meal, and put that meal on keep warm before I left home. We were able to get a ride home from my CRHP sister Ruth, which was such a blessing, and it was so nice to be able to eat without working.
I did spend $10 on a raffle ticket for $10,000. However, the proceeds benefit the Highlands School so that even if I do not win I know that good works will be done for the Lord with that money. 25% of the winnings must be paid in taxes up front, so really it would only be a prize of $7500 but it would go a very long way in helping us to get out of debt and into financial freedom.
I started today. With it came a bitter sort of grief that truly made me feel unity with poor Job. Yet, in the midst of this bitterness I stopped and offered my anguish, grief, and sorrow to Jesus that my pain might, in some small way, be used as reparations for my sins and those of the whole world. This grief and sorrow is a heavy cross, but no heavier than the cross of our Lord.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Project Judith
Yesterday, ice and 20 degree temps kept my son out of school and me at home. This morning was very heavy with fog and there were patches of ice on the sidewalks, but otherwise it was a good walk. I have prayed the rosary as of this morning for 29 days in a row.
For the past couple of days, I have felt the urge to make a whole gift of myself to the Lord - to consecrate myself entirely to Him for His purposes. Last night, I was praying again for this and then asked God to show me the words He had for me. I opened it up to the Gospel passage about Peter's denial of Christ. It seemed to me that Christ was asking me whether I truly thought I was strong enough, faithful enough, ready enough for the cup of suffering that would come as a result. I know myself, and I know that I am a much weaker person even than Peter was, so I told the Lord that though I knew I was not strong enough, nor faithful enough, nor ready enough if He would only lend me His strength to face the coming ordeals, I would not disappoint Him.
I think this must have pleased the Lord, for this morning His word opened to the Book of Judith. One woman, her maidservant, and the Lord face an army bent on destroying the people of the Lord and emerge victorious. Evil holds the people of America in sway, and they cannot fight it for they are deluded by it.
For the past couple of days, I have felt the urge to make a whole gift of myself to the Lord - to consecrate myself entirely to Him for His purposes. Last night, I was praying again for this and then asked God to show me the words He had for me. I opened it up to the Gospel passage about Peter's denial of Christ. It seemed to me that Christ was asking me whether I truly thought I was strong enough, faithful enough, ready enough for the cup of suffering that would come as a result. I know myself, and I know that I am a much weaker person even than Peter was, so I told the Lord that though I knew I was not strong enough, nor faithful enough, nor ready enough if He would only lend me His strength to face the coming ordeals, I would not disappoint Him.
I think this must have pleased the Lord, for this morning His word opened to the Book of Judith. One woman, her maidservant, and the Lord face an army bent on destroying the people of the Lord and emerge victorious. Evil holds the people of America in sway, and they cannot fight it for they are deluded by it.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
The Battle Rages On
Today is Barrack Obama's inaguration as President of the United States. In some senses, it is a victory for us as a nation for we have our first African American president. For we who are Christian and pro-life, it is the gravest tragedy, however - a sounding of the end to any hint of moderation and an open declaration of intent to not just continue but increase the bloodshed which has been going on since 1973. Fifty million babies aborted in the US alone - an entire NATION put to death for the crime of having been conceived and nothing more. Worldwide the figure is 859 million and growing. My heart grieves for the world. I know God will not permit this to continue indefinitely.
On a much happier note, last night my husband suggested - on his own & without my prompting - that he start getting up when I do, we make the bed together, and then pray together. Praise God for all that He has done! He also told me that he intends to begin attending daily mass with me once he has been confirmed. WOW!! 19 days of praying the rosary.
On a much happier note, last night my husband suggested - on his own & without my prompting - that he start getting up when I do, we make the bed together, and then pray together. Praise God for all that He has done! He also told me that he intends to begin attending daily mass with me once he has been confirmed. WOW!! 19 days of praying the rosary.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Pray That You Can Be Made New
This weekend, my husband attended RCIA for the first time. Bill is coming over tonight so that he and Randy can get to know one another better and work on catching him up to speed. What a grace!
Last night, my husband revealed to me his anxieties about the future, and his feelings of inadequacy because he is unable to fully provide for us. I began to pray for him. During mass this morning, I got the message loud and clear: pray that you can be made new so that you can properly handle the prosperity I desire to pour into you.
Dear God,
I have heard your message to me and to my beloved. How well I know our need to be made new, crafted and fashioned in your image and likeness! Yet I also know that we have within us attachment to sin and wilfulness against obedience which hobbles us and prevents us from freely following you.
Lord, I desire to please you but my own desire for pleasure and comfort blinds my heart to the pains which my selfishness causes you. I am not ready to be made new because my heart is made of stone. So, Father, I do not ask you to give me prosperity, because I am all to o aware of my need to be made new for you. I do not ask you to make me new because my heart is not sincere in desire for this. I ask, instead, that you give me a heart to desire the changes I need to make to become new. I ask you to remove from me the selfishness that blinds me to the pain I cause you with my behavior. I ask you to teach me to be truly, sincerely contrite for my sins. I ask you to help me to clearly see the damage I do when sinning, not only to myself, but to others as well. I love you, Lord, but I do not love you as much as I should. Please change my heart so that I can be ready to be made new.
Love, your daughter,
Brandy
P.S. Please help me to have perfect trust in you.
Last night, my husband revealed to me his anxieties about the future, and his feelings of inadequacy because he is unable to fully provide for us. I began to pray for him. During mass this morning, I got the message loud and clear: pray that you can be made new so that you can properly handle the prosperity I desire to pour into you.
Dear God,
I have heard your message to me and to my beloved. How well I know our need to be made new, crafted and fashioned in your image and likeness! Yet I also know that we have within us attachment to sin and wilfulness against obedience which hobbles us and prevents us from freely following you.
Lord, I desire to please you but my own desire for pleasure and comfort blinds my heart to the pains which my selfishness causes you. I am not ready to be made new because my heart is made of stone. So, Father, I do not ask you to give me prosperity, because I am all to o aware of my need to be made new for you. I do not ask you to make me new because my heart is not sincere in desire for this. I ask, instead, that you give me a heart to desire the changes I need to make to become new. I ask you to remove from me the selfishness that blinds me to the pain I cause you with my behavior. I ask you to teach me to be truly, sincerely contrite for my sins. I ask you to help me to clearly see the damage I do when sinning, not only to myself, but to others as well. I love you, Lord, but I do not love you as much as I should. Please change my heart so that I can be ready to be made new.
Love, your daughter,
Brandy
P.S. Please help me to have perfect trust in you.
Friday, January 16, 2009
REJOICE!
Today I received great news! Monsignor Duesman has given my husband permission to receive his sacraments at Easter Vigil this year!! How great is our God! I cried I was so happy when I heard the news.
It is my 16th day of praying the rosary, my 16th day of living out my New Year's resolutions ( I made 20 of them). Last night, after paying the rent, we put $200 in the bank. On Randy's recommendation, I kept out $49 in cash for emergencies. I resisted the temptation to eat out and took the time to fix soup instead. I resisted the temptation to buy a book on the lives of the saints and spent time writing instead.
Today I find myself resisting the temptation to spend money celebrating, as I know that would only ultimately lead to sorrow and guilt later. Truthfully, I intend to put the money into our account so that I am not tempted to spend what I do not have. I also packed myself a lunch for the same reason. I am learning how to walk in ways that keep me safely away from my tree of temptation so that in all things I may please the Lord more and more each day.
It is my 16th day of praying the rosary, my 16th day of living out my New Year's resolutions ( I made 20 of them). Last night, after paying the rent, we put $200 in the bank. On Randy's recommendation, I kept out $49 in cash for emergencies. I resisted the temptation to eat out and took the time to fix soup instead. I resisted the temptation to buy a book on the lives of the saints and spent time writing instead.
Today I find myself resisting the temptation to spend money celebrating, as I know that would only ultimately lead to sorrow and guilt later. Truthfully, I intend to put the money into our account so that I am not tempted to spend what I do not have. I also packed myself a lunch for the same reason. I am learning how to walk in ways that keep me safely away from my tree of temptation so that in all things I may please the Lord more and more each day.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Learning to Trust You
This morning, Ginger told me that she had put in for me to receive some additional money on my next check due to my willingness to be helpful with any project I'm given. I give all praise to God who is teaching me to have a true servant's heart and to be faithful in my work. She has no idea how much this extra will mean to us.
Today is my 15th day of keeping my New Year's resolutions. I have prayed the rosary each day, we have overdrafted the account only 5 times, eaten out only 3 times, I have only had 2 sodas, I have written an average of 175 words per night, and I have been progressing through the Preparation for Total Consecration again. We have also resisted taking out a new payday loan. I don't know how we will make ends meet, but I am trying to trust that God will provide for us. We are $2000 short of everything we need.
Today is my 15th day of keeping my New Year's resolutions. I have prayed the rosary each day, we have overdrafted the account only 5 times, eaten out only 3 times, I have only had 2 sodas, I have written an average of 175 words per night, and I have been progressing through the Preparation for Total Consecration again. We have also resisted taking out a new payday loan. I don't know how we will make ends meet, but I am trying to trust that God will provide for us. We are $2000 short of everything we need.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Pride and Humility
Last night I got a letter notifying me that one of my Christmas songs - A King Is Born - has been selected for a Director's Award (basically Honorable Mention) and is in the running for 1st or 2nd prize. I was excited. I hadn't won any prize money yet - just a ribbon - but at least it was recognition. They included a brochure offering a $20 rebate on the fees they charge to produce a professional song demo - between $200 and $500 per song - and a contract saying that I agree to give 5% royalties made back to them. Of course, when I showed Randy, his only comment was, "You do realize they are charging you money," like I can't read or am too stupid to comprehend what I do read.
No congratulations, no encouragement, no words of praise. I didn't say anything except, "I love you," and went to bed. I know he can't help himself. I do. I know he's going to do this every time. It's just part of who he is. I just wish it didn't have to hurt so much when he did it. I try to tell myself that this is God's way of humbling me, and I should be grateful for it, but it is a struggle. Perhaps that's my biggest clue that I still need to work on my pride. Were I humble enough to not to seek his admiration and approval, I would not then be so hurt when I did not find it.
No congratulations, no encouragement, no words of praise. I didn't say anything except, "I love you," and went to bed. I know he can't help himself. I do. I know he's going to do this every time. It's just part of who he is. I just wish it didn't have to hurt so much when he did it. I try to tell myself that this is God's way of humbling me, and I should be grateful for it, but it is a struggle. Perhaps that's my biggest clue that I still need to work on my pride. Were I humble enough to not to seek his admiration and approval, I would not then be so hurt when I did not find it.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
God Be Praised
This week is a very special week for me! My husband has told me he is ready to commit to being Catholic. What a huge difference a year has made. Even just a month ago he was telling me he would NEVER be Catholic and NEVER believe in God. It amazes me that there is a God who so loves us that, rather than allowing such things to build walls, he uses them as tools to move mountains. There is no joy in my heart to surpass this, for all is right in my world. He even asked me about how to become a deacon!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
