Crisis of Faith

Every Christian will eventually face a moment in time when their faith is tested by an evil event which occurs in their lives and they must suddenly reconcile the concept of an all-powerful and loving God with a God who permits evil things to be done to those who follow Him. This evil event can be the death of a child, a spouse, a parent, or a close friend. It can be an incident of rape or abuse. It can be learning that the person, or someone they love, has a life-threatening illness, or a time when they suffer chronic unrelieved physical pain. It can be a natural disaster that destroys everything they own. It can also be something smaller, like the loss of a job or a time of poverty.

Whatever the trial that is allowed to enter into their life, there are two kinds of Christians: those who throw up their hands and say, “WHY ME?” and those who recognize the trial as part of the Cross necessary for salvation and pick it up. The “WHY ME?” crowd often give in to anger and, rather than picking up their cross and following the Lord as they had promised to do, abandon the Lord and give up on the Redeemer. Even if they continue to go through the motions of faith such as going to Church, their inward faith is tarnished.

It is unfortunate, but true, that I was once a “WHY ME?” crowd member. I endured four years of sexual abuse at the hands of my stepfather when I was just a child. When he was finally removed from my life, I didn’t have someone around who was strong in the faith to help me make sense of this terrible thing. I became angry with God because I felt that He had failed to protect me. I thought that somehow I must have been rejected by Him, for it looked to me as if He hadn’t cared enough about me to stop these terrible things from happening. In my eyes, this was just one more incident of people who were supposed to protect me failing to do so. It was just one more reason not to trust.

I wandered far off the path of righteousness in my anger and hurt. God kept calling me, and sometimes His call would be strong enough that I would find the path again and try to walk it but my steps were unsteady and I would eventually come up against another test which would start the process of “WHY ME?” all over again.

There were two huge moments where I began to transform how I saw these times of trial, and my perception of the reason that God allows such evil to enter into our lives. The first moment was when the Holy Spirit helped me to understand the true nature of God’s gift of Free Will. God’s gift of Free Will was given to man because that gift is a requirement for a real relationship. Real relationships have to be open to the possibility of rejection, because they have to be a choice. God wants a real relationship with mankind. He WANTS for us to CHOOSE to be with Him. Yes, He has the power to force us to worship Him, but He chooses to allow us to go our own way. To encourage us to choose the right path, though, He set into motion consequences for each action. When we sin, it hurts others even as it hurts us.

Now, because God is God, when He promises something, He does not break that promise. Yes, He knows that the person has intentions of sinning because He knows what is in their heart. However, right up until the moment the act is committed the person still has the chance to turn from their sin. If God interferes and stops them before they sin, He takes away the chance for them to turn away from that sin. After the sin has occurred, God does not abandon either the sinner or the one sinned against. The sinner is still offered the opportunity to repent and be forgiven. The one sinned against is given opportunities to gain in grace by first offering up this trial to God, second allowing God to use this pain for good of others who have been similarly victimized by sin, and third helping with the redemption of the sinner by offering them our forgiveness. However, here again free will comes into play. We can choose, instead of offering up this trial, to hug this trial close to ourselves and be cut by its jagged edges, poisoned by its venom.

The second moment where I began to transform how I saw my times of trial came during a prayer group session. I admitted that when I was in pain or in suffering, rather than turning to God I often tended to turn away from Him. I admitted that I struggled with feeling abandoned by Him during these moments, as if He didn’t care or didn’t love me. One man in the group looked at me and asked me whether I believe that God loves His Son, Jesus. I answered that I knew He did. The man then reminded me of the terrible, horrible suffering that Jesus endured the day He died on the cross. He then asked me, “If God who loves His Son allowed Jesus to suffer, what makes YOU so special?”. I was absolutely humbled. He was right. God hadn’t allowed me to suffer because He didn’t love me, but precisely because He DID.

Every holy man and woman of God has suffered at some point in time. The Holiest of them were blessed to suffer often and greatly. Peter, Paul, and every saint in history has suffered for their faith. Christ himself suffered so much on the cross that at one point even HE cried out, “My God, My God, Why have you abandoned me?” That line actually comes from Psalms, and by using it Christ was showing us how we are to get through those dark times: pray. Christ assured us that as Christians we would, if we wanted to follow Him, HAVE to pick up our cross and follow Him. That cross comes in many different forms and isn’t always easy to recognize at first. It can be a small cross, such as the loss of a job or a brief time of poverty. It can be a large cross like chronic pain, or an incurable disease which threatens our life. However, the assurance that we are given is that picking up these crosses will help us to die to the sin and be given new life in Christ. It doesn’t mean that the journey will be easy; it certainly wasn’t for Christ, but that the results are assured. We will be given new life if we can see our struggle through to the end and offer it up to the God whose power can transform even the greatest of evils into the greatest of good.

New Songs I Wrote

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone. Today was very inspirational. I wrote a couple of new songs:
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Called into Life

Choose Life, You challenge me
Give this child a chance to be
At this time when I cannot see
the beauty of the forest for the trees
Grant me the strength to break free
to see this as a gift rather than misery

When just a single cell,
Your eyes could tell
The finished shape of the shell
Even before I began to swell
You formed the child to dwell
Fearfully and wonderfully made, so well

Created with love by Your hand
I’m trying hard to understand
How this tiny life fits in Your plan
Still I know You’re greater than
The troubles of today and
So I’ll place it in Your hands

Refrain:
Called into life by You, this child grows
Called for a purpose only You can know
Though its hard for me to believe
For only you can conceive
The harvest of the seeds that we sow
The way in which Your mighty wind blows

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Forever, Amen

Everyone said it couldn’t last
We were just too young to know
Barely in our teens, moving fast
When they said stop, we said go
High school together was a blast
Though we had our share of rows
Looking back now on our past
I’m glad we let love grow

We took our vows at just nineteen
Had our son the very next year
We didn’t have a penny to be seen
We struggled on and faced our fears
Time taught us both how to lean
Through the laughter and the tears
I know you know just what I mean
When I say I’m so glad you’re here

Refrain
In this world where vows are made to be broken
And forever is replaced by until then
We stand by the words that we’ve spoken
We don’t forget where we’ve been
Our love is real; it’s more than a token
I’ll be with you forever, amen

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If You Only Knew

It’s so hard to stand here in the rain
It’s so hard when I see all your pain
I want to reach for you
I want to scream for you
I want to run for you
I want to hold you close and never let go
But I know, yes I know

I know I’m not worthy
I know all the things I’ve done
And all I’ve become
And If you really knew me
would you still be standing here?
If you really knew me
Would you still say you love me?

This web of lies has bound me tight
I struggle hard but loose the fight
Cacoon of sin, can’t see the light
Is there ever a way to set this thing right?
I try to hide, take refuge in night
But you’re always there, shining so bright
If you only knew, what would you do?

I know I’m not worthy
I know all the things I’ve done
And all I’ve become
And If you really knew me
would you still be standing here?
If you really knew me
Would you still say you love me

You call my name, I hide my face
You take my hand, you close the space
You pull me close into your warn embrace
Your words they strip me so completely
Lies fall in tatters and now I can see
You knew all along, how can this be?

You know I’m not worthy
You know all the things I’ve done
And all I’ve become
Yes, you really know me
and you’re still standing there
Yes, you really know me
And you still say you love me

A day of prayer

I blew it. Totally. I was confronted with a crisis yesterday and instead of turning to God, I resorted to my old fear-based tactics. As a consequence, I spent a lot of today meditating on the nature of my relationship with God and the changes that I need to make in that arena. How can I be a beacon of hope if the first winds that blow keep blowing my flame out? How can I teach anyone else to have faith if my own faith isn't strong enough to meet life's challenges? How can I be an example of the strength of the faith when I'm not strong myself? These are the questions that I pondered today.

As I was praying this morning, the song by Jeremy Camp, "Walk by Faith" kept popping into my head - but not the full song just bits and pieces of the lyrics. It prompted me to search the internet for a way to listen to the song, as I really needed to hear the full thing. Not only did I stumble on Jango which is great, but was introduced to a variety of Christian songs I hadn't heard before that lifted my spirits tremendously and really inspired me. In fact, I was inspired enough that I wrote two songs of my own in a two hour period.
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Fortress

You hide from me
In your fortress built of stone
When I knock at the door
You pretend you're not home
I hear your cries behind the wall
I hear your sighs and moans
If you'd just take my hand
You wouldn't have to be alone

I know why you hide in the dark
I see where the bruises left their mark
You thought you could hide from the pain
So it would never find you again
If only you had known how lonely it would be
Behind your walls of misery
It doesn't have to be this way.
The walls don't have to stay.

I'll wait here for you, on the other side of that wall.
I'll stay here for you, until I hear you call.
I weep for your pain, I ache for your fears.
I've counted each and every one of your tears.
I'll hope for the day when you open that door,
I won't force it open; it would just hurt you more.
I'll count on the angels to carry these notes to you
And pray that my song is getting through.

Refrain:
Your prison is your own design
The doors locked from the inside
Step out into the light, taste the sunshine
Freedom is waiting, Love is calling
Let me lead, surrender your heart to mine
Trust is hard, but this is where we begin
Reclaim the world you left behind
When you locked yourself away
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Forgive Me

Looking back, it's not so hard to see
How much you've been there for me
But when I'm facing my fears
The habits of so many years
Take over and reason quickly flies
Suddenly I'm caught up in the lies.

When I know how much you've been through
Why do I heap more thorns on the crown for you?
I know that I don't have any right
To hide away from your light
But it's hard to look you in the face
When I feel like I'm such a disgrace

Can you still forgive me for being so weak and frail?
Can you still forgive me no matter how often I fail?
You gave your life to set me free
from my chains of sin and misery
Help me to remember, when I'm afraid,
All the sacrifices that you've made.

Refrain:
I know I should believe that you'll be there.
I know that you love me and that you care.
Why is it so easy for me to go astray?
When I need you most why do I turn away?
Has there ever been a saint made of such a sinner?
How can a loser like me ever hope to be a winner?

My Father in Heaven,

Just when I think I am beginning to grow in the faith, you send me a crisis and I find out how small my faith truly is. I failed you. The crisis came and I did not believe you would help me. I resorted to tactics of lying. How long will I be like this? How long before I become a woman of faith? I can talk the faith, and I can profess the belief, but my actions make it all a lie.

How can I teach my husband and son to believe in you and have faith in you when I don’t? How can I teach others not to be afraid when I am full of fear? Yet here it is, at the bottom of it all. My heart accuses you: you aren’t here for me when I need you most. I look but I do not see you. My head says that’s not true. I know that you have sheltered me from the worst of storms many times over, but at the moment of crisis I am like the abandoned child all over again, sure that no help will come. I know that my sins are a barrier, and that it is my sins which prevent your help from reaching me. But how do I abandon the sin when I don’t know for sure that you will be there when I do?

You have every right to ask me to trust you. You created me, breathed life in me, and have watched over me every day. I know this is true, but I do not feel that it is true. Oh, Father, have mercy on me. Help me to know you better. Help me to be more confident in your love. Help me to give myself over to your will, even when your will doesn’t fit my own thoughts of what should be. Help me to trust that in all things you are doing what is best for me. Help me to believe, and help me to have faith. Keep and protect me from damaging our relationship through sin.

Your unworthy handmaiden,

Brandy

Welcome!

Welcome to Life in the Cereal Bowl! Why the Cereal Bowl? Because Life is full to the brim with Fruits, Nuts, and Flakes, that's why! If you must know, I'm a nut. If you're a stranger (and you can't be much stranger than I am), that's Ms. Nut to you!

This blog is mine. These are my thoughts, my opinions, my beliefs. You are welcome to argue, disbelieve, disagree, or in general think that I am nuts. However, unless you can present some well thought-out arguments, please understand that you are not likely to change my opinions or my beliefs. If you decide to comment, and I do welcome comments, you hereby agree that you are therefore entering into a discussion and that I will at all times reserve the right to respectfully reply.

If you're curious about who I am, here are the basic facts: I was born in Little Rock, Arkansas. I was raised in Denton, Texas. I married at 18 and am still married to the same man nearly 14 years later. I have a 12 year old son. I have an associates degree in elementary education. I have worked as a secretary for a lot of my life, including a sales secretary for 5 years and a marketing assistant for the past 8 months. I live in Lewisville, Texas and have lived here for the past year and a half.

I have not previously been politically active, but I am beginning to change that. I did not always think my opinion mattered and so I did not voice it with my vote. I have since come to realize that my silence is taken as permission both in the political arena and in human interactions. I have decided that I have been silent long enough on too many fronts. I have unique experiences, insights, and understandings that need to be shared that others might benefit from them.

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