My Father in Heaven,

Just when I think I am beginning to grow in the faith, you send me a crisis and I find out how small my faith truly is. I failed you. The crisis came and I did not believe you would help me. I resorted to tactics of lying. How long will I be like this? How long before I become a woman of faith? I can talk the faith, and I can profess the belief, but my actions make it all a lie.

How can I teach my husband and son to believe in you and have faith in you when I don’t? How can I teach others not to be afraid when I am full of fear? Yet here it is, at the bottom of it all. My heart accuses you: you aren’t here for me when I need you most. I look but I do not see you. My head says that’s not true. I know that you have sheltered me from the worst of storms many times over, but at the moment of crisis I am like the abandoned child all over again, sure that no help will come. I know that my sins are a barrier, and that it is my sins which prevent your help from reaching me. But how do I abandon the sin when I don’t know for sure that you will be there when I do?

You have every right to ask me to trust you. You created me, breathed life in me, and have watched over me every day. I know this is true, but I do not feel that it is true. Oh, Father, have mercy on me. Help me to know you better. Help me to be more confident in your love. Help me to give myself over to your will, even when your will doesn’t fit my own thoughts of what should be. Help me to trust that in all things you are doing what is best for me. Help me to believe, and help me to have faith. Keep and protect me from damaging our relationship through sin.

Your unworthy handmaiden,

Brandy