A day of prayer

I blew it. Totally. I was confronted with a crisis yesterday and instead of turning to God, I resorted to my old fear-based tactics. As a consequence, I spent a lot of today meditating on the nature of my relationship with God and the changes that I need to make in that arena. How can I be a beacon of hope if the first winds that blow keep blowing my flame out? How can I teach anyone else to have faith if my own faith isn't strong enough to meet life's challenges? How can I be an example of the strength of the faith when I'm not strong myself? These are the questions that I pondered today.

As I was praying this morning, the song by Jeremy Camp, "Walk by Faith" kept popping into my head - but not the full song just bits and pieces of the lyrics. It prompted me to search the internet for a way to listen to the song, as I really needed to hear the full thing. Not only did I stumble on Jango which is great, but was introduced to a variety of Christian songs I hadn't heard before that lifted my spirits tremendously and really inspired me. In fact, I was inspired enough that I wrote two songs of my own in a two hour period.
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Fortress

You hide from me
In your fortress built of stone
When I knock at the door
You pretend you're not home
I hear your cries behind the wall
I hear your sighs and moans
If you'd just take my hand
You wouldn't have to be alone

I know why you hide in the dark
I see where the bruises left their mark
You thought you could hide from the pain
So it would never find you again
If only you had known how lonely it would be
Behind your walls of misery
It doesn't have to be this way.
The walls don't have to stay.

I'll wait here for you, on the other side of that wall.
I'll stay here for you, until I hear you call.
I weep for your pain, I ache for your fears.
I've counted each and every one of your tears.
I'll hope for the day when you open that door,
I won't force it open; it would just hurt you more.
I'll count on the angels to carry these notes to you
And pray that my song is getting through.

Refrain:
Your prison is your own design
The doors locked from the inside
Step out into the light, taste the sunshine
Freedom is waiting, Love is calling
Let me lead, surrender your heart to mine
Trust is hard, but this is where we begin
Reclaim the world you left behind
When you locked yourself away
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Forgive Me

Looking back, it's not so hard to see
How much you've been there for me
But when I'm facing my fears
The habits of so many years
Take over and reason quickly flies
Suddenly I'm caught up in the lies.

When I know how much you've been through
Why do I heap more thorns on the crown for you?
I know that I don't have any right
To hide away from your light
But it's hard to look you in the face
When I feel like I'm such a disgrace

Can you still forgive me for being so weak and frail?
Can you still forgive me no matter how often I fail?
You gave your life to set me free
from my chains of sin and misery
Help me to remember, when I'm afraid,
All the sacrifices that you've made.

Refrain:
I know I should believe that you'll be there.
I know that you love me and that you care.
Why is it so easy for me to go astray?
When I need you most why do I turn away?
Has there ever been a saint made of such a sinner?
How can a loser like me ever hope to be a winner?